I had trouble eating properly due to feeling like I used to cook for an entire crew and reducing to just cooking for me. I ate very unhealthy snack foods because how do you cook for one person? I then realized that with my husband being a truck driver, I could cook a regular meal and freeze the rest for him to take for his meals.
I wondered if I had been a good mother at all. I even asked my children if they had a good childhood. I apologized for incidents that I remembered and I cried all of the time. I would wish I could do it all over again. Not that anything was that bad at all, because it was not, but I would just remember and wonder. I wished we had more money so we could have done more. We made the choice to home school and knew we would only have one income and that is what we decided to do because we considered that more important. I still feel that it was a good decision and very important to do.
Sometimes, I would just lay around and then I would sleep and feel like everyone would be better off without me because I was not pleasant to be around. I have always loved life and had wished I was not this old because I had so much more to do. At this point, I felt like I was ready whenever God wanted me and that could be as soon as He wanted. I felt that I was just wallowing and feeling pity for myself, but I could not rise above it. I have never felt pity for myself. I usually am a pretty happy person. I choose happiness and laughter. I do not want to live that way that I was. I wanted my children’s attention so much when they were just trying to live their lives. My children are wonderful, they were just doing what they were supposed to be doing and being successful at it. I am very, very proud of them. All of them. I have others, but these two were the babies, the others had long since moved out. There is a big age difference in the children due to Wessie and I having been married before. I really have no friends, so I could not just do things with them. I was used to hanging with family and when they were gone, who did you do anything with?
I was so used to taking care of them that it was terribly hard not knowing if they were home and in bed safely. They have been very understanding and I text them and they let me know. Poor kids, hahaha, having an overprotective mother like me! That may be part of why I felt they would be better off without me – they would no longer feel like they had to report to mommy. I am better and I do try not to bother them so much. I get so upset when they are hurt still. I cannot kiss it and make it better or hold them while they cry. That is so very hard. I will always want to shelter them and make things better for them if I can at all.
My oldest daughter lost her husband recently and there is nothing at all that I can do and it is tearing me apart. I want to take all of her sadness and see her beautiful smile again. I want her to go on and lead the life they had planned. I know she feels she cannot without him and she cannot really. It will never be the same. She will go on but it will be different. I wish I could do something for her.
I am always wondering and asking if they have money and if they have food. I am sure that I drove them nuts! I still do to an extent. The medicine did help a tremendous amount. Anyway, I keep having thoughts that I could go on and on with. But I will stop before I say too much and ramble.
The reason that I began to write about this in the first place was to perhaps help someone else that may need to hear that they are normal. I felt so terrible about thinking everyone would be happier without me. I did not mention this to many people because I felt it was a horrid thought. I did not want them to worry that I would actually do anything because I will never. But what actually prompted me was a woman named Chonda Pierce. She is a Christian comedian that I stumbled across on You Tube. A video popped up where she was talking honestly and openly about her depression. She had the same feeling that perhaps it would be better off if she were not here. I felt so much better after listening to her. I had thought I was in such sad shape for thinking that at all. If she felt that way, others probably do too. So, here I am sharing.
She cried some and also made light of it in her video. This is not a direct quote following here, it is my wording of what I remember her saying. She said she confessed this to her daughter and said she was thinking of jumping in the river. She said her daughter being so sweet and understanding said to her that she knew she would have to tell dad didn’t she. She said she heard them outside of her room talking in muffled voices. She said her husband came in and said I hear you want to jump in the river. She said yes. She said her husband said to her that she did know the river was only about a foot deep didn’t she. She laughed.
Anyway, I hope this helps someone. Do not be afraid to admit it. Get some help. It does work. It does not mean you are a failure. I love you all. Thank you for listening!