Bathroom Blunders

Do NOT sit on that toilet seat!  Line that seat with toilet paper, says your mother.  Like any good child, I obey my mother.   

So, you are out dancing and you are having a great time with all of your family and  friends.   You have to go to the bathroom.  Once there, you hear your favorite song being played.  You just have to dance, so rushing as best that you can, you hurry off the toilet, wash your hands and run to the dance floor.  You made it!  You rush  to dance with your niece.  You and your niece go back to your table and your mother and your husband ask you what you have hanging behind you.  You know instantly what it is!  You wonder why they did not stop you from dancing around with this tail behind you.  How could they do this??  Any of you who have lined the toilet with paper know that sometimes when you stand up, this toilet paper can get pulled up with your jeans leaving this toilet paper tail hanging out of them.  The entire place saw me and my tail dancing around the floor. Ugh!  Do I just want to grab my purse and leave now?  To make matters worse, I have to remove that tail and as I am standing at the table with these decisions to make, EVERYONE at the table is laughing hysterically and making all sorts of jokes and comments.  You know, like I will always have some paper in case the bathroom runs out.  I can always have a tissue for my nose if needed.  Did I feel like a little bunny? They are going on and on. I feel positive that the entire place is watching and my tail is still there. I am totally embarrassed and slightly miffed. I do not always plow through embarrassing moments and carry on, sometimes I actually am ready to crawl into that hole. My sister, who never has felt uncomfortable in any situation, just laughs and reaches over and pulls off my tail.  I may have even been called Eeyore a time or two, but I can guarantee you, I did not go looking for my tail when I lost it!  I guess that is better than when girls wore nylon hose and after a bathroom visit they have tucked their dress into their hose exposing a nylon covered rear end with their underpants glaring brightly for all to see. I have felt so sorry for those girls when I see them.  I have seen this several times and I have also noticed that not one single person tells them as they are walking around like this. I would rather have the tail, so I guess I should not complain. 
Imagine being out to eat with your husband and pastor and his wife.  You go to the bathroom and someone is in there so you have to wait.  The person in there was  so quiet, I was not sure someone was actually there.  I said  something to them and they did not answer.  I bent over to see if there were feet under the stall and there were, so naturally I try striking up a conversation to no avail. I finally left and went to have a seat at the table to  wait my turn.  I tell my friends that someone is in there and I have to wait my turn. I say to them that I don’t remember there being only one toilet stall in there and what a short,  little “sink” there is in there!  My husband said he found that odd.  I even remarked about the girl in there having these ugly shoes and how big her feet were. I explain my story to them.  Our food arrives and we begin to eat and I see the person come out of the bathroom.  I am appalled and exclaim  to the table, “That is a guy!  A guy was in our bathroom!!”  They turn around to look and say, “you went to the men’s restroom!”  There is an outbreak of laughter while I am about to die from embarrassment.  The guy, appearing to be a young teenager, goes over to his table and does not take his seat.  He is  standing there talking to his group of people. My husband decides to narrate the situation with things such as look, he is telling them how a pedophile came into the bathroom with him, how the parents are wanting to call the police,  does he recognize me anywhere, can he tell by my voice, etc.   The pastor and his wife are laughing more and more.   I cannot believe I did that.  Remember, I even looked under the stall and spoke to this young man.  He must have been so uncomfortable wondering when I would leave and shut up.  I feel so terrible for possibly scaring him.   Also, that little sink…. was not a sink after all.  Will I ever learn?  When we go out to eat now I am told to make sure it says WOmen and not MEN.  By the way, that particular women’s bathroom does, in fact, have several stalls and the “sinks” are to regulation height. 
When I was a little girl, 3 or 4, my mother was expecting company and rushing to get ready. My older brother was giving me my bath, helping get us kids ready. Everything went well, but the company arrived earlier than expected and my brother rushed out to get something.  Somehow, I was locked in the bathroom.  Of course, my mother was especially worried as I was too small to get out of the tub and she worried an accident may happen, falling, drowning, anything. There was not a keyhole to insert anything in the knob to open the door with, not even a pass key type thing. The company had arrived and I was still in  there. It took a great deal of effort to get me out of there.  They had to wait for my father to get home to figure it out.  They all were at the door talking with me to prevent me from getting hurt. I think they ended up taking the hinges off of the door when my father got home.  I am not sure as I was so very young, but they have retold the story several times.  They must think my misfortunes are funny.   So, first they lock me in the bathroom and then they forget me in a doctor’s office that locked the doors and closed up, as you read earlier. Haha.  Should I have a complex or what?? 

When I was pregnant with my first baby, we lived in an older house.  The bathroom had its issues.  Pregnant women, cannot venture far from the bathroom especially near the end of their term as it seems babies take residency on your bladder.  This was a small two bedroom home with only one bathroom. This one time I desperately needed to go but my husband was using it.  I thought he would never get off of that toilet!  I was loudly urging him to get out of there.  When he finally was finished I barely gave him time to get out of there and rushed to the toilet. I was so relieved to finally have my turn.  I sat down and remarkably, I never came to a stop.  What the heck??? The toilet fell through the floor!  So, here I am pregnant, sitting on a toilet like sitting in a recliner, my back against the wall and my feet in the air.  Don’t forget my pants are down and I still cannot go to the bathroom, in this position.  Being of short stature and pregnant, I cannot lift myself off of this toilet. I am in there, arms flapping around and legs swinging.  I am sure screaming was done as well. You can imagine the incidents that followed, I am sure. I do not need to go into detail nor will I. Haha.  Then, I remember I still have to go to the bathroom.  I don’t remember if we drove to a public bathroom or my mother’s or if my husband suggested to use the sink or the tub and I don’t really know what we did. I am pretty sure I would not have tried either of his suggestions, but I do not remember.  Desperation sometimes can take over.  We found that the floor was totally rotted through and my brother remodeled the bathroom! Anyone could have fallen through it, it had nothing to do with my weight, it was the timing.   My husband, not always thinking before he speaks either, claims I am so fat since I am pregnant I break the toilet and fall through the floor!  He suddenly becomes a broadcaster assuring the entire town knows this story. (He still uses this as the reason whenever he tells the story again.) Haha.  He is so funny! I claim he wore it down sitting on it so long before me.That is my story and I am sticking to it!

It is a wonder that I don’t have some sort of phobia regarding bathrooms!  How ironic is it that 27 years later, one of my best friends has a hobby/passion for “bathroom selfies”.  At public establishments, before the night is over, she manages to coerce as many people as she can into the bathroom and takes the selfie, herself in front holding the camera, everyone smiling,  and posts it to social media.  I have only agreed once to  be in her pictures.  With her permission, I could possibly post some of those photos here. She is becoming famous.  Sometimes people approach her asking to be in the selfie with her! Again, I am thankful there were no cell phones available back then, I am sure someone would have wanted that picture of me falling through the floor while on a toilet. Maybe we would have won $10,000.00?  

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